Within three weeks, the short-to-long-term future of our great state, Illinois, will be settled. The Governor’s race is underway and has attracted the casual interest of its residents. Like most of the voting public, I am dim-witted and ill-informed about the race. My mental sketch of J.B. Pritzker and his term as governor: He is a very large man who has a penchant for politically baby-stepping the state away from “another shithole” status. Illinois is in the process of raising its minimum wage to $15 an hour year over year. He capped the price of Insulin, and legalized Marijuana recreationally. He got rid of Mike Madigan, the perpetually corrupt Irish Embarrassment of the Illinois Democratic Party. He is in the process of ending cash bail. These are all very reasonable and estimable accomplishments. None of them are particularly noteworthy (except legalization and the ousting of Madigan, to fanatics for local politics and potheads respectively) but it’s apparently a lot to ask of our government officials to improve things.
Truthfully speaking, I knew next to nothing about Darren Bailey. I had heard that he was involved with a series of court cases about COVID restrictions. I know he is from southern Illinois. He was endorsed by Trump. When I thought about Darren Bailey, he was shrouded by a fog, like a weird guy at a bus stop across the street.
Today I watched half the second gubernatorial debate so that I could go into the voting booth half-witted and three-quarters cocked, which is more than ready for midterm elections. However, instead, I learned the shocking truth. You might say that I’m slow on the uptake here, but I just found out that Darren Bailey is inescapably and dreadfully annoying. Nearly every time I saw Pritzker open his big fat gubernatorial mouth, Bailey opened his equally fat but also grosser mouth to dog him. This is a strategy that worked relatively well for Trump, but Bailey lacked the kind of narrow-minded self-assuredness to really pull it off.
Bailey has this very unfortunate high-pitched voice that makes him sound like he’s reporting you to Mrs. Fleischmann on the verge of tears pushing him down the slide. He also wouldn’t shut up. He talked over J.B. enough times that the moderators had to tell him off, and even then he would just get a word in and then give them this genuinely shit-eating grin that would fit right in on the kid that just snitched on everybody.
I’m not one to make fun of a man’s voice, but in the case of running for governor, I’m of the opinion that oratory matters. The tone that Bailey struck during the debate was one of catastrophe that didn’t feel right in the context of the generalized successes of Pritzker’s term. The typical Republican talking points of balanced budgets and government debt were effectively neutralized this election cycle. J.B. has had the good fortune to have the state’s bond rating upgraded a handful of times, which represents a marked turnaround in Illinois’ economic outlook.
This is not to say that Bailey was without his upswings. There was this very ominous moment during the debate where there was a question about J.B.’s donation to the Democratic Governor’s association, which in turn donated to Darren Bailey’s own campaign. This is presumably evidence of some kind of op from the democratic deep state HQ to give Pritzker an easy race. Pritzker said, “Are you suggesting these voters could be duped?” and “The message was that Darren Bailey was too extreme for Illinois, and he still is.” This was very slimy. I interpret this as a sort of evasive confirmation. If true, then op was successful. The Democrats know a bad candidate when they see one!
I suppose there are no palaces without intrigues. JB is often puffed up by shitposters as a sort of wholesome radical liberal teddy bear anybody can love, but cynicism tells me this is probably not true of any Illinois Democrats. Beneath all the layers of plushy exterior, you can still tell there’s the usual democratic political savant gnome-man piloting the brain.
Be under no illusions though, most of the time Bailey was eating shit during the debate. He would fumble or evade question after question, to the manifest frustration of the moderators. In several instances, apparently, Bailey switched positions on a topic in order to criticize Pritzker. He would vote against a bill, and then criticize Pritzker for its implementation. For example: Bailey called out Pritzker for a string of deaths in some veteran home, which were from COVID-19. However, Bailey sued the state for having COVID restrictions that were too harsh! Pritzker was able to (very nimbly) jump on this and point out Bailey’s record, which is pretty garbage by any reasonable standard.
Bailey’s problem, it seemed, was that he didn’t have anything material to say. He’d just talk trash about JB’s stuff, and then propose nothing in return. He’s a man with no ideas. Even to standard republican positions, such as anti-abortion measures, he wouldn’t commit. He probably realizes that it would be near-political suicide if he attacked abortion rights in Illinois at this point, but still, it doesn’t come off very well, since he has nothing else he’s committed to.
One most amusing moment of the debate was after JB was interrogated by the moderators on a point of racial inequality in dispensary licensure, Darren Bailey chided “Respect black people.” I will just note that at some other point in the debate, it came out that Bailey’s “personal Christian school” had textbooks that said “Most slave owners treated their slaves well,” and also ignored the visibly pissed-off black moderators of the debate with his interruptions and evasions.
If I was Darren Bailey’s campaign manager, I would tie him to a chair while I came up with some concrete points for him to make so he could lose this election less embarrassingly. Corruption is a perennial issue in Illinois, it would be easy to find something there, especially with that weird “Democratic Governors Association” thing. Peoria and other mid-sized cities also get ignored a lot in state politics, and probably resent that. He had this very faux-moralistic “Stop the division” line that he kept repeating. This might be worth playing with if he could find some more concrete “divisive” points to stand his ground on. I would then hypnotize or mind control him so he could make these points without fucking it up and sounding like a petulant schoolboy.
If I were on the other side of things, I would probably put JB on some sedatives. JB mostly kept his cool during the debate, but there were some moments where he got annoyed at Bailey and interrupted him in turn. I don’t think this was a good look. On account of his success and good campaign management, JB seems to have the more “statesmanlike” image. I don’t think he should ruin that by getting into spats with someone who was clearly pestering him like Bailey was. I would tell him “JB, you’re the governor, and you’ve got to go out there and receive the people’s love, and show the people that you love them back” or “You’re the big man and Bailey is the little man, don’t pay him any mind!” and then I would give him pills and watch my big star shine.
JB was also very “on message” and this was mostly agreeable, but whenever he talks about crime/police/justice I want to turn away from the screen. It’s got to be tough trying to find a line as a mainstream democrat on the Police system, but JB has certainly not picked the best one. He’s mixed a bit of justice reform (getting rid of cash bail) with a bit of police crime lab funding. I’ll just chalk it up to him trying to avoid being assassinated.
I’ve been banking on JB winning this election from the beginning, and that hasn’t changed tonight. Darren Bailey is super annoying, and I’d vote against him just so I can wipe his stupid whiney voice from my memory. JB is not a perfect candidate, but he’s much better than anybody else the democrats have put up in any other state. I’m not in any kind of fascistic cult-of-personality around the man, but for the foreseeable future he represents the digestible, soylent-green-ish mainstream left of the democratic party. Not great, subtly sinister, but okay.
Signed,
Josiah (Bloss)
Normal Thoughts 